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May 2010

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May. 4th, 2010

Love

Ughhh.....

So I know I haven't posted in a while, but that's because everytime I try and write something, all that I can think about is Branden. I know I need to get over him, but my heart won't let me... and it's too late to even ask him back out. He wouldn't want to go out with me with me moving in less than 5 months. It just wouldn't be fair. But I really don't know what to do. :(
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Feb. 25th, 2010

Love

Nervous

Alright, i have a crush on my ex... No not branden. This ones name is john. And tomorrow i have to sing a song that is about him infront of him... Or else i cant do it during the concert we have. Nervous!!!! Wish me luck!!!

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Jan. 26th, 2010

Love

AHH!!!


Okay, so tonight I'm gonna discuss something other than the ex-boyfriend. My frienemy invited me to a group on facebook she made for a girl and proving that she's not a slut. But, I don't know the girl. And the thing that made me mad is that in her photos, she wears kinda the same style I do, but people always call me a slut or hooker for wearing it. But I don't see a group for me on facebook stating I'm none of those things... but I guess somethings are just unfair and I have to deal with it. And I'm just confused after the whole split still, but he's already moved on even though he said he'd still be in love with me no matter what. I think he lied the whole time. I just don't know what to do. And I'm also starting to like my other ex-boyfriend I went out with for 4 months and 2 weeks(Yes, I count how long I go out with people... I even secretly celebrate the month anniversaries by myself lol). But oh well. If I move, maybe things will be clearer.

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Jan. 6th, 2010

Love

1-6-10..

     So this week is just fantastic. Tomorrow will be one month since Branden and I split. Oh, and to make things better, my step-brother is being sent to Afghanistan on Sunday. Life doesn't seem to be getting better. It seems like it's all going downhill and there's nothing I can do to change it. And last night, while my mom and step-dad were in the barn taking care of our horses, I was in the den. Now, I may seem crazy for doing this, but it's sort of how I'm getting by. When Branden would be over at my house, he and I'd sit on the couch, and I'd have my head on his shoulder. So every night, I pretend his there. And last night was terrible because it seemed like he was really there. Of course, me being the absolute pathetic person, I was crying a lot. But then, my mom was coming, so I quickly ran to my room and looked right at my keyboard. I sat down and started playing a song I wrote for him. Now, I was still crying, but I was crying more by this point. I'd tried to forget this song, but no matter what I did, it would always be stuck in my head, taunting me. And now the one month marker is tomorrow. I know tomorrow I will more than likely be a mess. And I have voice lessons tomorrow, so if I have to sing a love song or something that reminds me of him, I don't know if I'll be able to hold in the tears. But one things for sure: I miss Branden. Wait.... I need Branden. Ah, who am I kidding! I love him, need him, and miss him!

Jan. 2nd, 2010

Love

Love

     Well, my first post. I created this account to vent about things, but if anyone comes across this, feel free to read and comment (if there's commenting. I haven't checked). So on November 20, 2009, I went to a place called Teen Skate. I went there to move on from one of my ex- boyfriends. So as I skated, I felt more and more free, and I moved on. One of the guys I go to school with and a few of my other friends were there too. Branden (the guy I go to school with), would skate and talk with me. And me being the klutz I am, I fell down a few times... ironically enough, I was falling for him. Anyway, so my skates were becoming untied, and my friend said, "Hey Wonder, why don't you tighten her laces?!" (Wonder is his nickname). So he tightened them for me, and we skated some more. I went to go and buy myself a coke, but they're a "pepsi place". So I was stuck with pepsi. A few minutes later I said, "Oh great, caffeine rush going down." 
   
     Then he said, "You had caffeine?" 
   
      I said, "Yeah I bought a pepsi."  
  
     "Lucky." Then I told him I'd get him one, and I skated off and bought one. Then the clock said one more minute of skating til it was over. So then when it said 0:30, I saw that he was skating as fast as he could until the buzzer went off. He came off the ice and opened the doors and I stood there with his drink. He said I was now his favorite freshman and his best friend. So his mom called and said that he'd need to get a ride. I offered to give one to him, his friend, his friend's brother, and his friend's girlfriend. So we dropped them off and I texted my friend Laura, who was there at the rink. She said, "So are you and Branden going out yet?" I thought this was kinda funny. I told her I didnt have his number, and then she gave it to me. I texted him saying, "Hey, it's Vivian lol." (He called me Vivian that night) We texted each other for a while till he stopped the conversation. 
  
     I woke up in the morning and saw I got a text from him. We were texting all that day. Then at 5:15 P.M., he texted "So wanna go out...." I said sure. So we were texting everyday, non-stop almost... well except for when we'd be asleep. So on my facebook, I looked at the live feed and saw a status he wrote. I thought it was really sweet, so I liked it. Then, I changed my relationship status from "single" to "in a relationship". The next minute, someone was asking. The next day, I got a relationship request. It was from Branden. I accepted it. Some people we like "Wtf?" others were like "Aww!" and stuff like that. I didn't really care what others said though, because I liked him before actually. I was "shadowing" from the middle school and I got to cut infront of him in the lunch line. I thought he was really cute and had a really great smile (which he does :D hehe). 
  
    But anyway, back to what I was saying. So at school, we had exams. So we had half days. And he's two grades higher than I am, so we had no classes together. But after school and before school, we'd see each other. On November 27, we went on our first date to the mall and Teen Skate. We played Guitar Hero in the arcade and talked and walked. Then, we walked into Sears, and he poked me in the side. I tell people I'm not ticklish there that way they won;t aggrivate me, but I couldn't really keep it from him now. So through our relationship, we poked each other. I'd like to call it "The Poke War".  I often won :)

   But on that date at Teen Skate, I couldn't really skate that well. So, Branden skated backwards and held my hands. I fell, but got back up. Then when I'd start to get unbalanced, he'd pull me in close to him... or I skated into him... either way, it was amazing. Then, I fell and hurt my kneecap. So I decided to sit down and rest it out. So we sat on the bench and I thought he was trying to poke me almost every five seconds. Then, I realized he was just putting his arm around me. Then, I put my head on his shoulder. He grabbed my hand and held it. We stayed like that for a pretty good while. He occasionally would look at me, and me being all self-conscious, I'd ask "What?".  So many thoughts were racing in my mind. I eventually told one to him. I said, "You know, you're the first guy I've dated that actually decided to go out with me." Then he said something, but I couldn't really hear because of the loud music. Then he skated off to go and pester people. I forgot what it's called, but it's when you go and you skate really fast,  stop, and then snow like powder goes at them. Then he'd come back and I'd be back in his arms. The 0:30 appeared and he skated off and I watched thinking, "Oh my god... I think I love him." I got on the ice when he told me to come on, and we skated off together. My mom and I gave him a ride home afterward. That night, I was trying to go to sleep so hard, but I couldn't. I was imagining him still holding me. I think before I eventually got like 5 minutes of sleep, I whispered "I love you".

    The we texted all that day. I told him I didn't sleep, and suprisingly, he didn't either. And it was for the same reason! I singed onto facebook and noticed a few of his facebook statuses seemed to be about me. That weekend, we spent together. Then school came and we'd see each other in the morning, lunch, and after school. One day, I was super tired because I was thinking of him all that night. And I saw his lips move, but I couldn't tell what he said. Then tow minutes later, I was like "Oh! You have to go, wow, I'm dumb today." And me being a klutz again, I got up too quick to give him a hug. I almost fell, but he caught me. Then I said, "Geez, I'm unstable.... I love you." ( We already texted each other that we loved each other, so it wasn't like boom! I said it) Then, he said "I love you too." Then he walked out the school doors and I stood watching him. My friend who's from Germany was looking at me like "What was that about?" So I smiled and shrugged like "I don't know... =) " We went out on December 4, to go see "New Moon". I put my head on his shoulder and was thinking that this was perfect. He'd kiss me on the forehead. So near the end of the movie, I decided I'd kiss him on the cheek. The car ride home was good. I kissed him on the cheek again and almost fell asleep on his shoulder.

  The Monday we went back to school... December 7, he went home early and I did too. Then he texted me at 3:45 P.M. saying he'd been thinking. About 5:05 P.M, we broke up. He said we should just be really close friends, since I might be moving. So I gave him two options. Either keep dating me or leave. I didn't want it to be like that, but that's how it was to me. Then he said he wish it didn't have to be like that. I was so mad and upset and broken, I threw my phone at my closet door. I was a good five feet away from it and I threw the phone as hard as I could. My phone ended up breaking into three pieces and worked. After I threw it, I fell to the ground. I was practically bawling my eyes out. It felt like my heart was really ripped out of me. I stayed there for a while, then got up to get my phone and tell my mom it accidentally dropped from the second floor to the first. She believed it. I went back to my room, grabbed my keyboard, and finished the song I was writing for him.

  Christmas was only a few days away. I decided to record the song and give it to him, along with a stuffed animal pengiun I bought him. (His favorite animal) So December 18, I gave him the penguin and the C.D. I log onto facebook and see that he's online.

  He starts the convo. by saying he liked the song. Now, it was good that he did, but just liked it? C'mon! I was pouring out my whole heart and soul there! It deserves better than good! Then he said, "Just wish things were not so complicated." I asked how he liked the penguin and he said he loved it. But then, a few days later, I asked if everything he said to me was a lie. He said I don't think all of it was. But then we started talking about the song I wrote. He said the only thing he got out of it was that I was still in love with him. But what he doesn't realize is that there's much more than that. But two days after our fight, I find out he has a new girlfriend. Oh boy, did that piss me off or what!

  Yes, I am still very much in love with him. But also, I can't live without him. I can't look at my car, my house, the box of froot loops, my couch, my kitchen, my den, my hallway, my school, can't go shopping in the mall, go to teen skate, look at my things about Twilight and New Moon, look at my cell phone, watch "Star Wars", even dream without him in my all of my dreams, or sing a song that doesn't remind me of him(there are other things, but that might take a lot of  typing). And now, I keep thinking I see him. Like tonight, while my mom and step-dad were in the barn, I thought I saw him on the couch, where he sat on part of our two dates we had. I started freaking out. I was crying my head off, screaming and yelling at him. I eventually fell to the ground because I felt like my heart was ripped out again. Then I heard my mom coming back inside the house, so I quickly raced back to my computer to make it seem like nothing was wrong. And now, I've caught you up to right now. I just checked facebook and saw on his profile that it's official. So of course, I'm crying like crazy. But he doesn't know everything about me. He doesn't know he's the only guy I've ever trusted besides my uncle and grandfather (trust issues with my dad). And he's the only guy I've ever told "I love you" too. And I meant it. And I still mean it. Because I really do love him, miss him, and need him. He's the only one who's been in my life and actually made me feel whole.(Besides acting and singing.) And I thought he actually understood me. But I guess I'll never know.

  Well, we are coming to the end of this post. I'm sorry it was incredibly long, but I got pretty much all of it out. I left a few parts out because it would take too long to type, but they weren't very crucial to the point I was making. But if he happens to come across this(unlikely he will thought), I just want him to know that I love him with all of my heart, I need him, and I want to be back together with him.

-OnceLoved112109  
(P.S: Funny thing: the numbers in my name, is the day he asked me out.)

~They say Dinsey World's the best place on Earth. Obviously, they haven't been in your arms!~ <3 Love you forever! <3